I have a monster inside of me. I think I know where it came from but I'm not at all certain how to get rid of it. It is mean and relentless and oh-so-exhausting.
The monster rears its ugly head always when I am tired and the baby is crying and the soon-to-be-three-year-old is whining and the house is chaos and the dishes are in the sink and it says things that are cruel but very easy to believe.
And when a mess is about to be made or the baby is awakened or the soon-to-be-three-year-old doesn't listen or the husband is late then the monster really rages.
The monster's fury amplifies when the soon-to-be-three-year-old pees on the carpet and the bathed, changed, and fed baby cries for two hours straight and sleep for me is still 10 hours away. It exclaims, "You cannot do this! You cannot do this! You cannot do this!"
The monster makes me not want to do anything and then throws daggers of guilt for not doing all the things I am supposed to be doing.
And more exhausting than dealing with the monster itself? Pretending it isn't there at all. Saying, "We're great! Thanks for asking!" or "Yep, we're doing fantastic!" because, really, who wants to hear about the monster wreaking havoc inside of me?
14 comments :
I Do! Why don't you call me?!?!?
That same monster lives at my house, too.
So sorry-
Although I may deny it, we have a monster at our house sometimes, too. It is a least lurking most of the time.
The only way I tame the monster is after I have had a bad day (or days) I stop take everything off of my to-do list besides feeding everyone, sleep, and making sure that my kids know I love them.
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I think we all go through periods like this and hopefully you will get a reprieve here soon. We miss you guys!
I think you are strong for admitting there is a monster. Everyone has bad days and everyone deserves a break.
I love you!
I want to hear about it! I had a monster at my house after ML was born, and I'm sure I'll probably have one once this second one comes too. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I'm glad that you're strong enough to share though, because it makes me feel more normal! Hang in there mama, keep trying.
Honey, been there, done that. The monster in me comes out WAY more than she should for the ages my kids are at. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up. You are in the trenches. It will get better and easier. Sadly, just not for a few years. :-)
Why do you think I invented the six o'clock bedtime?
Christie - I need you to elaborate some more on that six o'clock bed time... and how to do you do that now with mutual and those types of activities?
Oh Dalene.... I don't even have the baby yet and the monster at my house is already wreaking havoc. I'm scared out of my pants!
I do!!!!! Anytime!!!
I love you so much and think you are doing a great job because .. You ARE Doing This! Everyday you get up and do the best you can.. You ARE Doing It!!
Hopefully you will be able to find some summer babysitters so you can get the rest you need!
Love you so much!!!
xx
I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I've gone through horrible periods of depression and "monster-ness" after each of my babies. Sometimes it was all I could do to make it one day at a time. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Dalene, my monster is just beginning to leave our house. Now that Juliet is 2 and we're done with breastfeeding, frequent naps, blowouts, and me constantly needing to haul everything everywhere, life is much less stressful. And Ryan is 6 and very helpful. And Macie is 3 1/2 and becoming more helpful and less whiny. It does take time to get there, but it comes. You should totally ask for help because people LOVE to give it. Seriously, it makes their day. And your day:)
Oh Dalene! I am so glad you posted this! It is really really hard to have kids. It is really really hard to have one, but the hardest so far for me has been 2. Adding one to one is difficult for the whole family, and us moms are supposed to keep things together and running smooth most of the time.
Everyone has had great comments and support for you already, but I have to chime in here too. That monster has been here in different forms, but is almost always here telling me I am not doing good enough. I doubt myself often as a mom, all the time really. That monster is so mean!
It was the worst after Addie was born though. I wish I would have gotten help from a councilor and asked for more help from family and nannies or babysitter or friends. It was so so so hard and I didn't realize that I had postpartum depression, rather just thought I was a mean and despicable person. I would encourage you to consider that you might also be having some depression that can be helped, and not to feel like a bad person for the way you are handling things. You are so strong to post this, and should not feel alone. So many of us have been there and still are often feeling the same way. You are amazing to be the mom of two healthy, loving kids, even if they pee on the floor and whine all night right now. They will grow out of it and become wonderful people someday because of you!
Hang in there Dalene. My 3rd is 2 now and I feel like I'm finally able to tame the monster inside of me! I wish I'd realized that so many other people were dealing with it. I think it's hard when you're stuck at home reading people's blogs and they all look happy and smiling and perfect. Nobody really blogs about the negative things-you're super brave to do that! B/c frankly I think more people can relate to this than the picture-perfect family! give it time and my only suggestion is to not wake up each morning w/ expectations so high they can't be met. Start slow and work your way back into what is now a new normal for you. With each child comes a completely new normal and that's what's been hardest for me! Good luck!
Does your monster want to come and play with my monster???
Call me anytime and we can share "monster" stories!
Love you!
Oh Dalene... this breaks my heart... because I TOTALLY understand. You need sleep and som alone time... yet, how can you get it? I am so sorry that I am not closer.
I am praying for you.
Post a Comment