Bitter-sweet, but mostly sweet...

The night before Kindergarten we held our first annual Olson Back to School Bash, including decorations, presents for all, and Chinese take-out (yum).

We also had our first official backpack fitting - that Daddy is a pro, and that Zoey wears it well.

 We had a visit from some of our closest friends who dropped off gifts, treats, and a note that made me cry.

We laid out all our supplies, right by the door, and counted down the hours.

And the MORNING OF we were all smiles.

I've thought all summer about what I would say on this important day, and I still feel torn in my emotions. Why is it that this day seems to be so hard on the mothers? Why do all the books on Kindergarten show happy children and crying parents? Why did I sob uncontrollably when she was finally on the bus, and could no longer witness my tears? Why did I feel the desperate need to follow her bus to school, just to see her arrive safely (oh, yes, I did!)? The only conclusion I've been able to draw is that this is the first real step towards independence - towards leaving my safe, overprotective, loving arms. I realize that sounds dramatic, a little over the top, but that is how I feel.

Our closest friends just sent their eldest son off to college. When they describe their sadness at having him gone, mixed with their joy that he is doing amazing things in all the right places, I feel like I can relate! Not to belittle in any way what they are feeling, but Zoey heading off to Kindergarten this morning made me jump ahead several years in my mind. I can see us dropping her off at her college dorm and feeling the same feelings I have today: overwhelming sadness that a phase is over, change has come, mixed with an even more overwhelming gratitude that she is happy and healthy and doing what she should be doing.

I think those very conflicting emotions are tough for us mommies. My husband is okay today - so excited for her and the year that lies ahead. Me? I just feel sad. Sad that I will have a little less influence in her life and that she is now at the mercy of other people being kind and caring and good. Sad that maybe I didn't appreciate this time at home as much as I should have or could have. Sad that time just keeps marching forward, seemingly oblivious to us on the sidelines.

Sigh...

But Zoey is so excited. She had a great day - one, if she is anything like me, she will remember for many years to come. And she won't remember her mommy crying (because I have been pretending - very well, I might add - to be happy and excited, too). I think she will remember our back to school bash and her new back pack and riding the bus and meeting the kids at her "circle table" and Mrs. Fillette and coming home tired and hungry.

To quote another friend, I love this girl something fierce. Happy first day, little one.

PS A little something B-Man helped me with: