the one with the last day

The jolting sound of my alarm pulls me from sleep and I quickly click it off before it wakes Zoey. 4:55. After all these years I am still not used to or happy about waking up before the sun. I roll my heavy body from my warm bed, even though it is begging me to stay a little longer. Into the bathroom with a quick look in the mirror and I can see the pregnancy weight has definitely moved to my face. No face wash or make-up can cover up fat. Oh, well. Wash. Moisturize. Teeth. Make-up. Hair. The door handle to my bathroom rattles and in pokes a sleepy little head. "Good morning!" she says, with eyes still closed. I put down my hair product, sit on the edge of the bathtub, and gather the drowsy bundle into my lap. This is getting nearly impossible with my baby bump but her smell and cuddles make it worth the effort. "Good morning to you, sweetie."

"Where are you going to today?" she asks. After 18 months, she still asks me each morning, and each morning I reply with a sigh, "Mommy has to go to work." This morning, though, I add, "But guess what? Today is my last day and then I get to stay home with you and play." She looks up at me and smiles. "Play at Jen's house?" Then I smile a smile of gratitude, thinking of how much she will miss being there. How lucky she is to have the Seguines in her life.

We make our way downstairs for milk and toast and a few more snuggles and then back upstairs to get dressed. As I finish getting ready, my stomach begins to feel queasy about this last day. I have so much to do and I don't know how it will all get accomplished.

Off to work, with quick kisses, hugs, and a "Bye, mommy, see you later!" followed quickly by a "Be safe, mommy!" at the door. As the cold slaps at me from every direction and I climb into the car, I can't help but think back to the first day I left Zoey to go back to work a year and a half ago. Lots of tears - all mine - and the weight of worry upon my shoulders. So much has changed and I can hardly believe this is it.

At work, it all gets done. Books collected. Final projects graded. Semester grades posted. Substitute prepped. Goodbyes all around. I know how I should be feeling, but the sadness slowly creeps in. I push it away with thoughts of eating lunch with Zoey and errands on weekdays and wearing my pajamas all day long. But it's still there in the back of my head.

Seven years is a long time to do pretty much the same thing at the same place with the same people. To leave that is difficult for me, but I know it is time for a new chapter - and I know this one will be even better.